On Keeping Your Mouth Shut. Or Not.

Yesterday I was having a perfectly fine conversation about Formula One racing with a fellow hockey parent when the subject of politics came up. We both criticized Justin Trudeau, a fairly safe opinion in Canada these days. And then like an idiot I asked, “So do you think Trump has a chance in 2024?”

He stared at me for a few seconds and then said, “Do you think he actually lost in 2020?”

I thought maybe he was kidding, but he looked serious. So I responded, “Yes. And by a lot more than what was reported.”

He seemed taken aback by my response and I kicked myself mentally for getting into a conversation about politics with a relative stranger. I was reminded of the saying “Never argue with a fool. They’ll drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”

I steeled myself for an argument — but then, to my surprise, he just said, “Huh.” And he changed the subject.

For a second I was relieved. And then I realized… he was also avoiding an unnecessary argument with someone he perceived as a fool.

In that moment I had enormous appreciation for his social grace, and as a result was reminded that just because someone disagrees with you, that doesn’t make them a bad person.

In some areas, it’s expected that people will have differing opinions. I’m a Toronto Maple Leafs fan, and I can companionably sit down and have a beer with a Montreal Canadiens fan. But other beliefs somehow say more about me, or about you, and having a normal conversation becomes difficult. Why is that? Why can’t I disagree with you on politics — or, god forbid, religion — and still have a good, enlightening conversation about the subject?

I’ve been thinking for a couple of weeks now that I should write a post about the conflict in Israel and Gaza. Something about how a solution has to be found that solves the problems of both sides. I had something pretty nice fleshed out in my mind, and then a friend sent me a link to a recent No Mercy No Malice podcast titled “Listen.” I’ve provided a link below, but the gist of it is that people who don’t have expertise in an area should resist the urge to make statements just so they can be seen to be making a statement.

In the podcast, Scott Galloway says that if we all spent a little more time listening than talking, society might avoid some of the damage being caused by social media platforms that encourage us all to share our thoughts, as if every golden byte emerging from our keyboards is worth sharing.

As I listened to Scott’s thoughts, I realized that I was about to fall into the trap he describes — running my mouth on a subject I know very little about — so I decided to not say anything. Why take the risk?

But it’s been gnawing at me that we can’t have civil conversations in public about serious subjects without leaping down each others throats or issuing a cancellation edict. How the hell are we supposed to learn anything if we’re so caught up in our own identities that we can’t listen to a differing opinion and try to learn something?

My mistake in the conversation about Trump was that I wasn’t curious. Instead of giving my opinion or rushing to judgement, I should have said, “I haven’t seen anything that convinces me the election was stolen, but I have an open mind. Why do you think Trump actually won?”

On the subject of the latest conflict in the Middle East, I’ve been reading a lot and discussing with friends. Commentary seems to fall into two camps: that one side or the other is completely to blame, or that this is a horribly complicated situation and achieving any long-term resolution is going to be difficult.

There is plenty of bad behaviour happening on both sides of the conflict. There is also plenty of admirable behaviour by residents who refuse to accept the traditional narrative of either side. I’m sorry for the horrible toll on lives and I hope the politicians are able to come up with a solution that works for everyone. Because there are no bad guys or good guys in this war. There is only pain the longer this goes on.

Yes, it’s a risk to say anything, especially when I’m not an expert on the subject. But it’s a greater risk to society if we all stay in our silos and refuse to interact.

Stay open minded. Listen more than you talk. Have some respect for people with differing beliefs. When someone says something you disagree with, ask “Why do you feel that way?”

A little more understanding and a little more compassion. A little more listening and a little more empathy. Who knows, we might just get somewhere.

1. Scott Galloway’s No Mercy No Malice podcast on keeping your mouth shut.

2. Gabor Maté bipartisan thoughts on the conflict, despite being a Holocaust survivor.